North Dublin Befriending Service

Diary Of A Depressionhead 3

Captain’s Log. Stardate 2015. Our position, orbiting Earth, an ancient world, now a frozen wasteland, about to rip apart in its death throes. Our mission, pick up a Depressionhead below, observe the disintegration of the planet.

Being Depressed Is A Normal Reaction To Living In Our Society

Speaking as a representative of ‘the best of the west’, I know how fortunate I am in a material sense, when compared to people in the so-called ‘developing world’, or to previous generations. However, the prevailing ruling ethos (Neo-Liberalism) preaches not sufficiency, but excess. It teaches not co-operation, but competition.  It is about not just ‘keeping up with the Joneses’, but in wiping the floor with them.

So, even if we are told ‘be satisfied with what you have’, the tiny tributaries that are these odes to contentment are drowned out by the torrent of exhortations to greed that flow freely from every corner of The Consumerist Citadel: Corporations, The Corporate-owned-Media, Political parties in the pockets of Corporations et cetera et bloody cetera.

One might ask if, instead of beseeching people to be happy with the world as it is, we might ask: ‘what is wrong with a society that while providing a bare subsistence level of existence for many, still makes lots of its citizens so miserable that they would rather be dead?’ So unless we have the guts to join together and fight for ‘The Revolution’, some of us eventually end up considering…

Suicide

In 1995, while swimming off a beach in Castlerock, Northern Ireland, I nearly drowned when caught in a riptide. In 2004, I returned there to take advantage of its kindly current and end my pitiable (not pitiful) existence. I drove all night and arrived about 6 a.m. on a spectacular sunny Mussendun morning. I sat on the sand for hours trying to muster up the courage. In the end, I couldn’t do it.

The beach at Castlerock where I totally failed to top myself.

 Stalemate

Captain’s Log, supplemental. We remain, like a fly in amber, trapped in the void.

Since those dark days, lots of things have improved. But I still find it almost impossible to be around people. Although I am constantly on the lookout for information on achieving a quick and painless exit from this ‘vale of tears’,  I can’t see myself killing myself in the near future, not because I want to live, but because

  1. I know of no reliable pain-free method.
  2. I know at least one person would be badly hurt.

I recently read a piece by the enlightened Jim Lucey saying that people who will not engage with the mental health system stand no chance of recovery. But I have been on the receiving end of too much ‘mental abuse’ by too many arrogant bastards (psychiatrists and psychologists) to face ‘The Dreaded Mental Health System’ again.

The suicide helplines do great work, but I don’t feel they can’t help me anymore. I want to be able to talk to people I know, but I have lost contact with my friends & family & I can’t bear to burden my long-suffering partner with endless tales of woe anymore.

Beam me up, Scotty…

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The author of this piece wishes to remain anonymous. All views or opinions presented in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of Befrienders Dublin.